The Lord giveth & the Lord taketh away

We have good news & some sad news. On my birthday (August 16th) we found out that we were expecting baby #3. I had been super sick, but we had been traveling so much I just thought I couldn't get caught up from all the travel. So we were shocked and ecstatic to find out we were expecting, ALL God, no fertility, no doctors! What a miracle. When we went to the doctor I got to have an ultrasound (so they would know how far we were) so I saw the heartbeat and the baby. Our due date was April 4th-Easter Sunday. We had lots of fun telling our families & especially telling Hannah, she's such a mother hen already, she was as excited as me! Everything was going great, I've been very nauseous and sick (which is great in pregnancy) and healthy. We got back from Minnesota on Tuesday, September 15th & had our normal 12 week appointment on Wed, the 16th. Aaron called us on our way to the Dr. & said his schedule had freed up and he could come with us-awesome! So we get to the appointment & the Dr. couldn't find the heartbeat with the Doppler, and I said, "You are scaring me." She said we had nothing to be worried about, we had already heard a healthy heartbeat and that the Doppler wasn't proven until 16 weeks and I was just shy of 12. So she said let's do an ultrasound just to set your mind at ease. So we go in another room and the tech starts with an on-the-belly ultrasound and immediately says, "Let's do a vaginal." So she leaves the room and I tell Aaron something is very wrong. And he says (and believes) nothings wrong she's just being thorough. As she is doing the ultrasound, she isn't talking. Aaron is holding Joshua and telling Hannah, "Look at the baby, see how she's measuring it, etc." Finally I say, there is no heartbeat is there? And she says, "No I'm so sorry." I was visibly upset but with the kids in the room I was doing fairly well handling it, and then Hannah starts screaming crying, "I wanted a baby boy, I wanted a baby boy." Whatever I had left in me was gone then as I lost it too. Then she started saying, "Why is the baby dead?" That word dead is still just ringing in my ears as if she is saying it now, it is just so final. So then we went into the Dr. office and she talked us through it, I already liked her but she was really great through it all. She said it is called a "missed abortion" to which I said that is the worst name I've ever heard and don't want to call it that & Aaron reminded me that, "Abortion has become something else but medically it is a loss." Anyway, she said it's called that because we had seen the heartbeat, and I had no symptoms at all, she also said that if we were to take a pregnancy test it would still show positive because my body had not yet rejected it. So that I could still have morning sickness for another 1-2 weeks plus my hormones would still need to release as if I actually had the baby. She gave me 2 shots in the office, that I would have needed if I delivered (an antibiotic for infection and rhogam because of my blood type) and scheduled a d & c for the next day. Thank goodness Aaron had gone with me because I wouldn't have been able to drive home or even make that phone call. So Aaron made all the arrangements for the kids (praise God for good friends: The Hale's & Curry's for keeping our kids overnight). The next day when we got to the hospital at 6:30am, 2 guys on staff at our church were there . . .for us! I was blown away. It was such a tangible outpouring of love for us. My mom was able to come into town by that afternoon, because Aaron had his big test the next day (the one he had been studying 8 weeks, 10 hours a day for) so that was a huge blessing. I can see God in so many of the little things but it doesn't take the sting away from the loss yet. A few of our friends have really reached out to us and that has been so helpful. We are relying on God and every day seems to be a roller coaster-some good parts and some bad parts. Normally I would say, "Oh we are doing fine." But I just read an article for healing help after this loss and it said not to say that you are fine when you are really not. It also says I need to accept people's offer for help, so I'm working on that too! So we are making it through one day at a time right now.